A question we receive in emails a great deal is "How do I know if I'm marrying the right person?"
Finding Miss or Mr. Right is not always an easy thing to do. Once you think you've found the right person, you may have doubts. Having doubts about who you are marrying is not only normal, having doubts is healthy.
Hopefully you already know that you shouldn't marry someone who drinks
too much, spends too much, works too much, brags too much, uses drugs or
other illegal behavior, or is unfaithful, cruel, or dishonest.
If your future spouse is free of those destructive behaviors and you
are still having doubts about getting married, read through these
statements. You will see if your doubts are reasonable and worth paying
attention to or if you are having cold feet about getting married
without having any rational reasons.
Happiness and Emotional Support
Although expecting a spouse to make you feel happy all the time is unreasonable, being with the right person can bring happiness and a sense of personal strength to your life.
- You will know you are marrying the right person when you
feel support and encouragement about your own growth both emotionally
and intellectually. The right person will want you to be emotionally
healthy and able to stand on your own two feet. When you are with the
right person you will feel good about yourself, safe, and fulfilled.
- The right person will not be negative, selfish, wishy washy,
silent, embarrassing, critical, or a slob. Why spend your life with a
jerk?
Affection, Love, and Sex
It is important that the person you marry is someone who is
understanding and agreeable to your wants and needs when it comes to sex
and affection.
- You will know you are marrying the right person if your
future spouse says "I love you" not only in words spoken, but by loving
actions. We define loving actions as doing things such as noticing when
you are tired, remembering your birthday, wanting to spend time with
you, listening to you, showing you respect, calling if you are running
late, showing you affection, being patient with you if you don't
understand something, kissing you hello and goodbye, and hugging you
for no special reason.
- You will know you are marrying the right person if you are
sexually compatible with one another. If the two of you view sexual
intimacy differently or have different libidos, your marriage
relationship will suffer.
- The right person is someone who you like and who is your friend.
The right person will enjoy spending time with you.Your love and your
marriage will slowly fade if the two of you are not friends.
- The right person is kind, considerate, and polite. Little things
in life such as saying 'thank you' and holding a door open may seem old
fashioned, but they do reflect the amount of caring and kindness in a
person.
Communication, Goals, and Values
You and the right person will have similar goals and values in life.
- Having different likes and different opinions is okay as
long as the two of you agree to disagree. Although you may not always
agree with one another, conversations with the right person will be
interesting and not boring. The right person will communicate thoughts
and feelings with you and will not keep hurts and concerns bottled up
inside.
- Understanding that the only constant in life is change, the
right person is willing to discuss marriage issues, questions, and
topics with you both before and after you get married.
- The right person will encourage you to make decisions to live a
healthy lifestyle by eating healthier foods and getting exercise. The
right person will want to work with you to balance your work and
personal lives.
- Feeling as if you are the only one picking things up around the
house or taking care of the kids can get old. The right person is
willing to share in the responsibilities of your home and future
children.
- Finding the right person doesn't mean that the two of you won't
have difficulties or differences to deal with. However, with the right
person you will know that the two of you will be able to work through
the issues that could hurt your relationship. The way you handle
disagreements and conflict shows psychologists more than what you fight
about.
Trust and Honesty
The right person is honest with you.
- The right person will trust you and not monitor your phone
calls, or computer usage, or limit the amount of time you spend with
others you care about. You will know you are marrying the right person
if your future spouse does not try to isolate you from your family and
friends. You not only need to belong to family, friends, groups, etc.,
you have the right to do so. The right person in your life will not try
to control your life but will want to share a life with you. The wrong
person will make you feel as if you have to walk on egg shells in order
to keep peace in your home.
- You shouldn't have to defend wanting privacy or time alone. You
will know you are marrying the right person when you are not questioned
about your need for time alone or personal space.
- The right person will trust you and not spy on you. Feeling as
if you have to justify your every move will become a very heavy burden.
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